When it comes to temperament I am a through and through melancholic and on top of that extremely high in openness. Things really get me at a deep level, stories, movies, experiences, songs, even good commercials all seem to strike some chord of relevance and importance which I can’t really seem to control. It’s a blessing and curse because sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes it's pretty ugly. The upsides are a beautiful and a wonderful way of looking at the world and life and all that goes along with it, and the downside is that everything just seems so existentially “sticky”.
What?
Have you ever eaten pancakes and somehow gotten a little bit of syrup on your arm? It doesn't take much to really throw you off and feel like you are just sticky all over… it can be genuinely troubling and it can really throw off your day until you get it all washed off.
Well, I have always felt like this happened to me internally as well, a small experience or memory or mistake or idea seemed to stick to everything else creating a strange web of thoughts and feelings that, from the outside seem greatly out of proportion to the real event.
“Ben, you’re are crazy, have you thought of meds?
Well to be quite frank for a long time I did think of meds because it can be very unpractical to navigate through life when you are sticking to everything around you even things you don’t want to stick to. Over the years, I have discovered other “alternative” tools and strategies to navigate and really mitigate this “stickiness” and as a result, I am very passionate about holistic psychiatry, lifestyle medicine, and the deep importance of taking a different sort of look at the formal world of diagnosis. But this is another story.
Getting back to the title of this email, what does this have to do with crying? Well, we really do live in a valley of tears, the human experience is fraught with pain, and sometimes it seems there are wounds and hurt everywhere you look. We do our best to cope and get by but sometimes, something is just downright sad, sometimes the honesty of a wound is just so undeniable that for the time there is nothing to do but just sit there and feel it. I am not talking about wallowing here, I am talking about real acknowledgment and deep acceptance, “wow that really hurts” or “wow I am really wounded there” is a far different posture than the stagnant self-pity or permanent victimhood mentality which now counterfeits so widely a step towards real healing and self-care.
No, I am not talking about self-absorbed pity or unconstructive rumination I am talking about honestly acknowledging the pain of the human experience as it manifests in our unique personal experiences. Sometimes we are just sad because sadness is the only appropriate response, I am reminded of one of my favorite movie scenes of all time from the Return of the King when at the Grey Havens of Middle Earth Frodo must say goodbye to his three friends and go with Gandalf “ Into the West “ (grab this song down below). As they take their leave Gandalf affirms the deep sadness of the hobbits with that beautiful quote,” I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” Absolute cracker of a scene and gets me every time.
But this is not just about a “feel-good movie scene”, because Gandalf is right and we all need to hear that deep affirmation of our very real pain. It is has become so rare in this world for people to hear these words spoken right to their hearts and as a result, we don’t know what to do with our pain, so we hide our wounds, we jump to rationalizing or diagnosing our pain, and as a result we build up deep scar tissue around our deepest wounds then name them with a diagnosis when the wound becomes infected as it surely will. There is a widespread lie that tears are an evil, that there is no place or context for this deep pain outside of a doctor's office or therapist's room. It is now cool and hip to talk about destigmatizing mental illness and being vulnerable and tho this is a step in the right direction it has often led to cheap counterfeits of real affirmation which often only exacerbates the pain.
“Jeeze Ben you really are a melancholic, thanks for depressing me!”
Hold on tho, this is not to discourage you but to give you hope. It really is true that not all tears are bad, it is true that you have legitimate pain and legitimate wounds and it is in acknowledging that truth that you can be open to receive real affirmation of those wounds and being to heal them. Your pain really matters, it's not for nothing, and it's not just something to be repressed in favor of naive optimism.
I write a lot about finding and developing your interests and I think the word passion can be helpful here, passion means pain, the great things we can do in our lives are deeply connected to and even born out of our pain, to be passionate is to be painful I think sometimes we forget that. I think sometimes if we want to find our passion then we need to honestly look at our pain, we need to expose it and let someone speak to us, “I see your pain, It’s real, It matters, It is not wasted.”
I know this type of stuff has a terrible way of becoming cliche but it is of the utmost importance to understand this. So many people just don’t make it through, they don’t get that affirmation, they never get to meet a “Gandalf” so their tears become bitter, their world becomes smaller and their wounds become deeper. I can’t tell you where to find Gandalf or how you will eventually hear those words but I can echo his message, not all tears are bad and even if the shire has not been saved for you your pain can save it for so many others and that is the most beautiful ending to a story you could ask for, so why not make it your story.
If you are really needing those words of affirmation right now give this song another listen and close your eyes” (solid reference)
“Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping”
***If you are interested in a more practical guide to this type of topic then you can check my school of thought "Real Life Ed” right here)***